Today's Funnies

"Whenever I watch TV and I see those poor
starving kids all over the world, I can't help but
cry. I mean I would love to be skinny like that, but
not with all those flies and death and stuff." -
Mariah Carey, Pop Singer

"I say no to drugs, but they don't listen." - Marilyn
Manson, Singer

"I wish men had bo0bs because I like the feel of
them. It's so funny - when I record I sing with a
hand over each of them, maybe it's a comfort
thing." - Baby Spice of the Spice Girls

"I didn't realize I was in a Buddhist temple." - Al
Gore, former U.S. Vice President when asked
about his illegal fundraising activities that took
place in a Buddhist temple.

"We are unable to announce the weather. We
depend on weather reports from the airport, which
is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able
to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend
on the weather." - Arab News report

"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend
to behave badly around women. And I hope I
never get into that." - Bill Clinton, former U.S.
president

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like
Canada." - Britney Spears, Pop Singer

"Where the hell is Australia anyway?" - Britney
Spears, Pop Singer

"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty." -
Budapest Zoo sign

"My lord, we find the man who stole the mare not
guilty." - Welsh Jury Verdict

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other
part of my body." - Winston Bennett, University of
Kentucky basketball forward.

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs
that we went to." - Shaquille O'Neal, basketball
player, on whether he had visited the Parthenon
during his visit to Greece

"Ladies are requested not to have children at the
bar." - Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life." - Brooke Shields,
during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled
with humidity." - Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas
House

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother
and father." - Greg Norman, Golfer

"Teeth extracted by the latest methodists." - Hong
Kong dental advertisement

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas." - Former Australian cabinet
minister Keppel Enderbery

"Man thought hurt, but slightly dead." - Providence
Journal Headline

"Better make it six, I can't eat eight." - Dan
Osinski, Baseball pitcher, when a waitress asked
if he wanted his pizza cut into six or eight slices

"Chemistry is a class you take in high school or
college, where you figure out two plus two is 10,
or something." - Dennis Rodman, NBA
Basketball player, on Chicago Bull's team
chemistry being overrated

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found
nothing." - Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after
being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World
Series.

"Hi I'm Dean White, Dick, of the college." -
Richard (Dick) White, Duke University academic
Dean introducing himself at a faculty dinner.

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again." - Terry Venables

Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?" Defendant: "Well, I
can see pretty well, I think." - Testimony from
court records

"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." -
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his
coach, John Jenkins

"Did people build this, or did Indians?" - Tourist
question at Mesa Verde National Park

"You mean they've scheduled Yom Kippur
opposite Charlie's Angels?" - Fred Silverman, TV
programmer, when told that Yom Kippur would
fall on a Wednesday.